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Dinner Party/Transcript
Jason: Now remember, guys, the key to hosting a good dinner party is not the food, it's the ambiance. So let's go over the details one more time. The doorbell rings and… Matt? Matt: I will be standing next to the door and will wait seven seconds before opening it, so as not to appear as though I have been waiting by the door to open it. Jason: Stephen. Stephen: I will ask to take their coats, escort them to the living room, and turn on the mood music. Jason: Adam. Adam: Oh, I will be reading today's issue of the Wall Street Journal, while stroking this fake cat. Jason: No. No fake cats! Adam: What? No, it makes me look sophisticated. Or, if you will, sophisti-cat. Jason: Stacey. Stacey: Once they're seated comfortably, I will begin a light, friendly conversation, being sure to avoid such topics as politics, death and hygiene. Jason: Nice. And I will come from the kitchen holding a tray of shrimp, I will place it like so on the gr...What is this?! Matt: It's a scented candle I purchased for this evening. It's classy, yes? It's called Cinnamon and Dreams. Jason: I have never been more proud of you. Well done. Jason: Positions! Whitney: Hi! Natalie: Hi! Mallory: Hi! Stephen: Not yet! Matt: Ladies, come in. Stephen: May I take your coats? Matt: They're not wearing coats! Stephen: Living room. Sit anywhere you like. Whitney: Just… Mallory: Okay, let's just make this work. Okay. Natalie: Squeeze. Mallory: Just... Stephen: You're supposed to start the conversation. Stacey: I know, but I can't think of anything besides politics, death or hygiene! Adam: You could cover all three by talking about Kim Jong-Il. Too soon? Matt: You guys are useless. So ladies, I bathe regularly. Oh Stacey: What?! Stephen: That falls under hygiene. Matt: I know, and it's not even true! Adam: What?! How long has it been? Four days? Matt: Yes… Days… Stacey: Matt, you haven't bathed in four weeks? Matt: That's why I bought the candle. Mallory: I like your cat. Adam: Oh yeah? Mallory: I...I used to have one just like it. Adam: Oh. Stacey: Oh, you used to? Mallory: Yeah. He died, so… Stephen: Taboo topic, abort! Mallory: There was a house fire, and he didn't make it out. But he saved me, he came into my room and he put his paw on my paw… I mean hand, my hand, sorry. He woke me up, you know, I just...Your cat, it's just...that stuffed cat looks a lot like my cat, I really love cats. Matt: What was his name? Stephen: Matthew! Matt: I just need to know. Mallory: I called him Shaq-kitty O'Neal, so… Jason: Good evening, ladies. Oh man, who died? Natalie: I hate seafood. Mallory: I already ate. Whitney: If I eat shrimp, I'll die. Jason: Awesome. Matt, what are you doing? Matt: Wafting. Jason: No wafting! Sophisti-cat, give me this! You guys are ruining the party! Matt: So, who are you voting for? I am bad at this. Jason: Ugh, what is that smell? Matt: It must be the shrimp. It's turned. Stacey: Wait a second, is that coming from the kitchen? Jason: The apple strudel! No! Matt: All I can smell is Cinnamon and Dreams, mixed with... Adam: Sophisti-cat! Matt: Put it out! Step on it's face! Oh. Stacey: No, no, no, no! Matt: Get rid of that! No! This is a mistake! It was clearl… No! Have some shrimp. No, you don't want the shrimp. Mallory: Shaq-kitty! Shaq-kitty! Oh my gosh, you're sick! I hate you all! Shaq-kitty! Natalie: She just finished therapy! Matt: Please! Jason: I saved dinner, so… Hey, where's the girls? Matt: I'm gonna go take a shower. Category:Season 1